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20 Tips on Having A Better Relationship With Your Dad

Norman Lieberman, author
www.understandingdad.com
Norman@understandingdad.com
Copyright 2003

Our dads were one of the two most influential people in our lives while we grew up. Regardless of the amount and quality of time he spent with you, his impact cannot be denied. If your dad is still living, it is not too late to discover the thoughts, feelings and events that impacted his life. Get to know more about the real person behind the title of “Dad.” Get closer to your dad in the process.

The following tips will help both you and your father become closer, and/or provide insight into your dad’s unspoken life. None of these tips will work for everyone under all circumstances. So get creative. Grab ideas from the tips below, but come up with your own variations.

Write out all the questions you want to ask your dad. Ask just two or three questions each time you see him so he doesn’t get irritated, fatigued, or suspicious. For example, just say, “Dad, I was wondering what initially attracted you to Mom.”
Show interest in your dad’s favorite hobby or activity. For example, ask questions like: “Dad, how did you ever get interested in woodworking? How do you feel when working on a project? How do you feel when you complete a project? Can you show me how you get a project off the ground?”
If your dad likes race cars, or any other hobby or sport, learn about it. Read a book or two on the subject. Learn about a couple of the top people in the activity. Then buy your dad and yourself tickets to an event surrounding that activity. Now you can engage him in something of interest to him, bond with him in the process, and leverage those good feelings into getting some of your other questions answered.
Ask you dad if he’d take a walk with you, or take him out for a sandwich, ice cream, etc. The two of you alone, with no other family, friend, or distractions, creates an atmosphere for sharing. This is another good time to leverage your knowledge, and ask questions, about his favorite activity.
Hang out with your dad and some of his male friends. Ask his friends about themselves. They will be more prone to answer you because they’re less vulnerable: you aren’t their kid. If they open up, your dad may too. The group energy and pressure may pry him loose to talk and share.
Whatever your dad is into, take him there. If he likes tools, go to Home Depot. If he likes baseball, take him to a game. You’ll have alone time in the car and lulls during the event. It’s not the amount of time but the quality of time spent together that counts.
Memory joggers. Get some old photo albums, trophies, mementos, and artifacts from the attic or basement. Walk around the house or your dad's office and look for what is displayed (certificates, awards, photos, etc.) and ask him about them.
Old music. Music has the power to unlock old memories. Get some of his era's tunes or some from his collection and play them while you two are together. Gently ask what he’s reminded of when listening. What is he thinking about when he hears a song from his youth? My older brother collects literally thousands of oldies from the 50's and 60's. You'd swear the record companies couldn’t have made that many recordings! However, he can talk all day about who is playing what instrument, the label history, and all data about the singer or group. You just never know what is going to help you connect with your dad.
Old movies can have a great jogging effect on one's memory. This brings both audio and visual into the mix. If Dad has a VCR or DVD system, go to Blockbuster and check out the Classics Section. Bring a film home that you think dad would like. Or ask Mom what one of his favorite movies was. You might also ask Dad directly what movies stand out from his young adulthood years. Afterward, ask Dad what memories this film brought back. What did he like about the actors, directors, type of film, theme of movie, and what was he doing with his life at the time of its release?
Old books. Make notes on Dad's old books from his home or office. Ask him about the books. Why did he read them? What does he think about this or that book? Would he recommend it, and why? How have his feelings changed, over the years, about the concepts in some of the books? The key is to keep asking open-ended questions. These are questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. Yes- and no-oriented questions don't give you much information or dialogue. Both of which you are trying to achieve. Open-ended questions generally start off with how, why, and what. For example: "What were you doing when…?" Other open-ended starters are: “Can you give me an idea of your feelings at the time when you and Mom first met” and “What funny stories can you share during the time you two dated?"
Get out a globe or appropriate map. Have Dad trace a trip that he took and explain all the fun things or interesting things he experienced. Have him point out the location where he grew up and the areas he was familiar with, along with his experiences along the way. Learning about you dad's old stomping grounds and the related stories may open a whole new world for the two of you. If your dad is from another country, you can get detailed maps of different countries at many bookstores. In any event, sitting together over maps will probably bring back a flood of memories. Some good and perhaps some bad. This will perhaps energize your dad and get him sharing his past. Plus you’ll likely get a geography lesson in the process.
Dad is more than a history of his memories. Take today's newspaper and bring up an issue that is hot, like abortion, the death penalty, global conflicts, oil pipelines, and nuclear power plants. The list is endless. Don't argue the points with him. You are trying to get a picture of how your dad looks at things. If you argue, he may not share as much. Your part, I suggest, should be to ask questions to keep him going. Probing questions that begin with phrases like: "Tell me more,” “That’s interesting,” “How did you come to feel that way?”, and “Why do you think it is done that way? "
Go to dad’s siblings, friends and/or other relatives, including Mom for the inside stuff from another perspective. Approach these “connected” people and ask them for their assistance. Explain that you are building a legacy of information and tidbits of interesting trivia to get a more complete picture of your dad. Ask the questions from the journal, having them give their insight based on how they know your father. For example: I asked my dad’s sister about the trouble he got into as a kid. I would never have heard of these pranks from my dad directly. But after his sister shared some goodies with me, I then, on occasion, gently teased dad about them. Things like this tend to make your dad look more normal; they’re things an adult child can relate to. It is fun to have some inside scoop on one’s parents.
Consider creating a family tree. Not something convoluted and going back 500 years and not with 10th cousins many times removed, unless you want to go that far. One of my friends asked her dad about doing a family tree. She didn’t think the idea would be well received, but he really went to town. He knew lots of people, provided many tidbits, and just kept going with it. You never know. Then ask your dad questions about his interactions with these relatives. You should learn quite a bit here (don’t forget your tape recorder and pad with pen).
Enlist the grandkids. Have one of them ask Grandpa an innocent question like, “Grandpa, when you were my age, what was your favorite game”? This can help get the ball rolling. Who can resist such questions from grandkids? Plus, once a topic or answer is given by your dad (granddad), you can politely probe for more depth.
When all the adult siblings are together with Dad, try the group approach. There’s power in numbers. Say something like, “Dad, we all wanted to know what first attracted you to Mom,” or “How did you feel on your first date with Mom?” Some gentle ribbing here, and the group psychology may come into play. Hopefully, Dad will see this is important to you kids and will accommodate. Keep in mind that you are not looking for an argument. Arguments may shut Dad down. Remind him that you are interested in him, in his life, and want to create a history of his experiences and feelings to remember him by and to share with grandkids and others.
Take Dad to a sports memorabilia store that sells baseball cards, caps, jerseys and all things team-related. Or to a sporting goods store. Most dads can relate to some of these products. Great way to get his opinion on the goods found in the store and to get to know him better. You can insert some of your journal questions innocuously into the conversation as you are talking.
Handyman Dad approach. Say something like, “Dad, I have this plumbing / electrical / carpentry (whatever) project and I could really use a hand. How about this Saturday?” (This is only if your dad's at all handy around the house.) Then when you're sweating under the sink with Dad, ask him about his memorable home repair projects. Did he figure stuff out or just hire somebody? This builds rapport and can lead to more insightful questioning.
Take a trip around the virtual world with Dad. Get on the Internet and visit interesting international websites, like the country of his heritage, where he served in the war, or whatever. It's an alternate on the atlas approach, but the Internet search is a great way to be spontaneous and follow links wherever his curiosity takes the two of you.
Write your dad a letter, telling him all the things you always wanted to say to him and never took the time to write down. Like “I love you,” “You did a great job raising me,” and “Thanks for everything.” Whatever. Don't wait until your dad is terminally ill or already gone to say these important things. Maybe he'll reciprocate. Maybe not. It's certainly a way to connect.

Note: Don't overwhelm dad with too many questions. Interviewing Dad is a process that may last for months. Every time you get together with him, you can weave in a few questions. If he asks you, "What's the deal with all the questions?” simply tell the truth. Something like, "Dad, I got this book recently that talks about things to ask your dad. It got me thinking that I would like to know more about you. I don't want to bug you but I'd appreciate your sharing answers to a few questions when we get together. I promise not to overdo it. What do you say?"

If the journal is not large enough to accommodate all your questions and the responses, consider adding a spiral notebook to your interview kit.

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